One of our readers asks, what exactly is dating and if you don’t talk about it does it just go away?

So, some sort of generalized formal definition is in order. Dating, in it’s most general sense, could be any time when you are not seeing a movie alone. Or put another way, you are definitely not on a date if you are seeing a movie alone.

The problem is that the definition varies for everyone, and usually when it’s most convenient. I remember being younger and thinking that “dating” implied something serious. But after the first time hearing it used casually when someone described someone that they had sex with briefly and I became confused. I think it just sounds better when you don’t want to seem like you are a slut to say you were “dating.”

But the interesting part of this question is the second part. If you don’t talk about dating, will it just go away? Is the first rule about dating…don’t talk about dating? For the most available future options, I would say yes. Talk serves one purpose, definition. Definition serves one purpose, communicated agreement. “Dating” talk between couples defines the project and affirms some, at least minimal, level of commitment. But if you ask me this kind of talk is better reserved for a few months into it. Premature “defining things” talk can stifle the spontaneity of the thing and fuck up your escape route.

Ahhh… the when to have sex question. I think that I’m starting to think that there are two types of people out there and, depending on how they answer the following question, they will have sex on 1) the first date or 2) sometime (at least two dates?) after:

Would you have sex with every guy/girl you made out with?

I’m inclined to answer yes to this question because I don’t just make out with total randoms and I pretty much see sex as an extension of making out. I mean, early on anyway, before all that emotional stuff develops. I think that if you answer yes to this question, you are much more likely to have sex on the first date. This is, of course, barring something weird and awkward and lacking a goodnight kiss. (Actually, it doesn’t even have to be weird and awkward. The other thing that might prevent sex on the first date is sobriety.)

That said, I have plenty of friends, some of whom I suspect would also answer yes to the question above, who have a patent rule about not having sex on the first date. Or several dates thereafter. And while I’m generally opposed to any sort of game playing, these games do seem to work out for them.

My verdict (as I suspect it will be in much of this blog [which won't make for a very interesting blog]) is to go with your gut. There’s nothing wrong with doing it (yes, I said that) on the first date. The guy won’t think you’re a slut, and if he does then he sucks anyway (if you’re a guy, the girl will just think you’re being a guy, which is not that bad. It’s kind of like a mental eye roll). Move on and find someone who likes to have as much sex as you do. And if you don’t feel comfortable with having sex on the first date, don’t do it! Tell the person what your reasons are (or whatever you feel comfortable telling him/her, because really, “no” is good enough–there is no need for long explanations) and if s/he doesn’t respect it, then s/he sucks as well. If you think before the date even happens that you don’t want to have sex because of your own morals, maybe try a midweek date. A midweek date allows for an early departure (even if you’re having fun!) and generally involves less alcohol.

On a side note, I know plenty of girls (and have done this myself) who try to go out with a(n admittedly weak) chastity belt on. Not any sort of real belt, mind you, but a metaphorical one that is manifested in not having shaved in a few days. The thought is, “I don’t want him to see me hairy, so if I don’t shave, the pants aren’t coming off.” In my experience, this doesn’t work. This merely leaves you naked and hairy. But it’s ok, because I think guys don’t notice (or don’t say anything). I imagine that they’re pretty caught up in the getting to see you naked part.

Anyway, in a nutshell, go with the flow. Try not to get too wasted and stay true to yourself. Always, always, always.

I like the theory that regardless of how useless, irrational and self-defeating sexual jealousy is, it might be grounded in evolutionary reality. I can live with the cause of my irrational worries being derived from when we were more animal than iPod. Waste of time, but it has some Clan of the Cave Bear legend to it. Cool.

But the sub-phenomena that is far more interesting is what I call auto-reactive jealousy. This is when someone is jealous for no other reason than being jealous. When the significant other isn’t really so significant but jealousy is still involved. Why would anyone get jealous being only half-assed interested in someone? At first this made absolutely no sense to me. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that relationships are always  testing compatibility by trying out the different gender/social/sexual scripts that have been absorbed throughout one’s life. We’re actually taught jealously as a culturally natural and normal action-reaction part of relationships. And it’s huge in movies too. So then we do it. As seen on TV.

This is the girl now. I don’t have a lot to say on jealousy except that it is poisonous and it happens to me too, usually earlier in a relationship rather than later. I think it has to do with me being a control freak. Though I haven’t been jealous in a while since I’ve been single for a while, it’s exhausting just thinking about jealousy. Next topic, please.

Last weekend I went back to the place from which I came to hang out with some friends, go to a wedding, and have my heart shattered. I’m not going to get into it here, because frankly, the margaritas beforehand, the scotch during, and the overwhelming emotion throughout, have blurred the exact details anyway. Suffice it to say that I said pretty much everything I’ve been thinking over the past months–most of it fair, some of it below the belt jabs–but all of it true. And, as the whole thing was playing out–hell, before it even happened–I realized that it was over.

Zoom forward to today–I was walking the dog, listening to my “Happy” playlist and “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” came on. Let me preface this by saying that I am the type of person that can listen to a song hundreds of times without ever really paying attention to the lyrics. Today I happened to pay attention and I thought, “Wow, this song is kind of like how I was feeling going into seeing my ex, except it sounds happy and I was sobbing.” Listen to the song to better understand the situation. Anyway, not surprisingly, I got shot down and it hurt, badly, but it was the kick in the ass I needed to get on with my life in my new city. (In all fairness to him, he handled everything like a champ. He’s a good guy.)

I got back here and have been making it my mission to get the fuck out of my house and hang out. Luckily, I have fallen into a group of really rad girls who listened to my sob story, which generally ends with, “I really need to make out with someone badly or I’m going to go insane.” They stepped up to the plate immediately, with at least four different possible makeout buddies. Some of these are guys I’m friends with (or starting to be friends with), so that’s tricky. I don’t want to get into anything serious and I need them to be cool with just hanging out, so I don’t want to fuck up any friendships. But anyway, I’ve now taken a really long time to get to the point of this post. One of these guys, it turns out, has a profile on eHarmony.com. You know, the one with all the commercials where nerdy (but happy) couples talk about how the spark was immediate and long-lasting and how they’ve hooked up several friends and family members through the magic of the interweb. The people depicted in these ads do not look like people I want to date and they’ve also been accused of being homophobic (not the people in the ads, the company), so in my forays into online dating, I have never even considered an ad here. But here’s the kicker, this guy I know with an eHarmony ad is hot. Like, he used to be a model hot. And apparently he dates models that he meets there. I’ve never seen them, but giving them the benefit of the doubt as models, I’m going to guess that they’re pretty hot too.

Is there some pocket of hotness on eHarmony that I was totally unaware of??? And how come the eHarmony folks have not caught on to this and exploited it in advertising?

The only thing that I can think of is that they’re a “serious” site, with all their “scientific” matching of personality traits and whatnot and so they don’t want to jump on the “we have lots of attractive people here” bandwagon. But maybe they should, because I would have never in a million years thought to go trolling for guys on their site.

***UPDATE*** I’ve decided to get on eHarmony just to see if there are lots of attractive people and they aren’t kidding around with this questionnaire!!! I think it’s taken me at least half an hour to fill it out and I’m still not done!

***UPDATE 2***You have to join (i.e. pay money) to see people’s pictures, but the first guy they matched my profile to actually seems really awesome! Who would’ve thunk it??? Ok, the second guy seems like not such a good match. Third guy looks ok. All of these dudes are white, and I specifically said that I would date non-white guys (but also said that race wasn’t important). Hmm.. this is an interesting experiment that I don’t have enough time to fully explore right this minute. I’m going to try meeting some dudes the “normal” way, but I might keep this eHarmony thing in my back pocket for times of desperation…

Not to promote infidelity, but the NY Times has a piece today on the rarity of monogamy .

"Yet as biologists have discovered through the application of DNA paternity tests to the offspring of these bonded pairs, social monogamy is very rarely accompanied by sexual, or genetic, monogamy. Assay the kids in a given brood, whether of birds, voles, lesser apes, foxes or any other pair-bonding species, and anywhere from 10 to 70 percent will prove to have been sired by somebody other than the resident male."

Yeah, yeah. We all know this by now. But who listens? Seems like everyone is still convinced there is “the one” out there that will be “forever.” Why can’t we look at relationships like short blocks of goodness that go as far as they go? We’d all walk away happy if we lowered our expectations.

This is the girl now… I think the problem with thinking of relationships as short blocks of goodness is that each partner has a different definition of “short.” By the way, what you’ve written terrifies me. Just the other day, reading about some douchebag cheater guy who happens to live in LA and go to a bar that I once went to and thought, “Wow, the guys in here are pretty cute,” I thought to myself, “Oh my god. Is that what guys in LA are like? Is this what I’m going to have to deal with?” Which was followed shortly by an examination of my past serious boyfriends, all three of which I was nearly 100% certain would never cheat on me, and then the thought of, “Am I due? Is that what’s going to happen? I haven’t dated a total asshole yet, so now it’s my turn to get totally duped?” You have no idea how depressing that thought is to me.

I don’t think there is only one “the one.” I think that’s a silly idea. But I do think it’s possible to find someone (or multiple someones) that you can be happy with forever. Admit it, Dude (is that what we’re calling you on here?), if you found that super hot philosopher chick who fucked your brains out and wasn’t crazy, you’d be into her for a long time.
p.s. why the fuck are there ads for a christian dating site on our blog??

I always took Stats Pass/Fail, so even if I had any figures on this question, I wouldn’t be able to interpret them. I don’t have any numbers on this particular question anyway, so as usual, I’ll just make something up. I’m going to guess you’re right, reader, but first, let’s analyze that saying. I’ve always assumed that this is referring to (primarily) white women sleeping with black men and that this has to do with black men’s purportedly large penis size. I’ve only seen one black penis live in the flesh (and it was one of the first penises I ever saw, so yeah, I went back) and I think it was kinda big, though I don’t remember being freaked out by it or anything. But, going on the premise that they’re HUGE… Size matters. Really it’s girth that matters. Any girl that says otherwise is not being honest. But, it really only matters in the as-long-as-it’s-not-skinny-way. A minimum length is probably also important, but I’ve never experienced any issues with that. Really huge penises are not cool. They hurt and they make it feel like your organs are being moved around. This would make me take off and find someone new. A big, non-huge penis would be cool, but I’m pretty content with “average.” So maybe girls that “go back” are really looking for a smaller dick? Does this saying work for girls too? Are black women supposed to be really hot in the sack as well? If so, what’s their particular draw? I have no idea. Comments, please! Also if you would like to comment on whether you’ve gone black and have or have not gone back, we’d like to know!

A Dude’s Perspective:

Indeed, the black/back thing seems like it’s usually directed at the sexual vulnerability of women and hinged on the whole myth of penis-performance power. You may have just slightly increased sales of cock rings with all the girth-centric speak. I want to extrapolate from the myth itself: essentially what is being said here is that once you get whipped by the “sex charms” of a particular someone, you’ll be hooked on that type of someone. For men I think that I can safely say that if you are courageous enough, this may be true, but only for limited and carefully controlled time periods. Why? Because with the freaky-sexy usually comes the freaky-crazy. Please note that I am not talking about just someone that is above average or even “great” in bed: I’m talking about what every man thinks is their fantasy: a someone who is great in bed but also a nymphomaniac who needs relentless sex, and I mean relentless, in public, in private, wherever, there are no boundaries. You will love this for a while, thinking perhaps that you are dead and enjoying the sweet hereafter, until ‘The Crazy’ comes knocking. “I see dead people” crazy. This is when a man truly learns there is no free lunch. Then you will see at once the great symbiotic relationship of Sex and Crazy, and although frightened, you will feel somewhat exhilarated, like that grizzly man guy that lived with bears in Alaska until one of them ate him. Remember that story. Know when and how to get out, and don’t look back. If she doesn’t try and kill you, you are one of the few who has seen The Glory and returned to talk about it.

The Girl: Sounds pretty good to me. Unless you’re looking for something fulfilling. Don’t get me wrong: getting drunk=good times, but, with the wisdom of age comes the weakening of the liver and kidneys and then the inability to drink with great frequency/in great quantities. This is when you find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Or, single in the dating world without your booze crutch. I’m there now and it’s not awesome.Even though the drunkenness is fun and comes in handy when conveniently forgetting embarrassing and/or unmemorable moments, just think, you might actually be missing something good (though if he’s very drunk too, probably not). Which reminds me, if you’re a guy getting blindly drunk on every date, I can pretty much guarantee you that the girl thinks you’re at least kind of shitty in bed.Alcohol does wonders as an anti-anxiety med, but, like any other drug, you get used to it and then it’s hard not to have it there. And you can’t be drunk all the time, so maybe just get drunk on the first few dates, then try some day (non-drinking) dates and get comfortable with the guy (or girl). You might find you actually like him/her and don’t need to drink. If not, it’s probably best to find someone new and begin the process again.